Maroon Voices: July 2007

Friday, July 27, 2007

The Great Simpsons Movie Blackout of 2007: Times Sqaure is Burning

If AMC River East in Times Square meant to spoof The Sopranos, by having The Simpsons Movie cut to black in the middle of action, no one is laughing. Picture this: the most enduring show in television history finally puts out a movie after 18 years on television. A crowd of fanatics of the show come to the midnight screening of the movie on it's debut in Times Square-the first showing of a movie 18 years of the making in the center of the universe. Then, halfway through, the power goes down, and everyone has to leave. Or, as an usher mentions, they're calling the cops. For the record, when everyone else in the crowd was booing, I was saying Boo-urns.

Yes, AMC may have produced the biggest cock tease in movie theater history by blacking out The Simpsons Movie, and then they had to go be a dick about it. They were courteous enough to give me a pass to come back at any time. Here's the form I'll be handing them:

(That says "Cram it with walnuts, ugly," if you can't read my chicken scratch).

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Jon Lovitz Will Fuck a Bitch Up - Lovitz Punches Andy Dick for Murdering Phil Hartman

Jon Lovitz is my hero. He has been for awhile, as his effeminate, lispy confidence strikes my funny bone particularly hard. He went from the highlight of an otherwise bleak '80s on SNL to doing Subway ads, and that's mostly due to his disastrous attempt to replace Phil Hartman on NewsRadio, a castrophe that he really can't be blamed for. Someone on that show who can be blamed, apparently, is Andy Dick, and 10 decades of tension has culminated with Lovitz smashing Dick's bloody face on a table.

All this according to Page Six today, which clearly is not receiving payments from a Mr. Dick. The feud stems from 5 months before the murder/suicide of Brynn Hartman, when at a party at Phil's, Dick gave Brynn cocaine after 10 years of being a recovered addict. Phil was pretty pissed by this, but not as pissed as 5 months later (presuming there's the whole life flashing before your eyes thing). Apparently Lovitz blamed Dick for having to take over NewsRadio, which was only made worse last year when a drunken Dick told Lovitz he put the Hartman hex on him (I am loving all the Dick double entendres here, by the way). The two inauspiciously met again last week at the Laugh Factory in L.A. (keep in mind this is the same place Michael Richards had his tirade earlier in the year). It wasn't just a punch, it was an all out assault:

Jon picked Andy up by the head and smashed him into the bar four or five times, and blood started pouring out of his nose.

Lovitz, far from being apologetic, felt the beating was a display of collective effervescence. According to Lovitz, "All the comedians are glad I did it because this guy is a [bleep]hole." To sum his opinions of Dick in Lovitzspeak: IT STINKS!

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Study: Reading Harry Potter doesn't actually make you reed

I've always been resistant to say reading Harry Potter encourages a love of literature, as certain marketers would have you believe. After all, who needs books to feed your fetish when you have movies to do so? I've had multiple conversations of Pottermaniac friends of mine of how they appreciate literature, but Harry Potter is crack. Judging from the fact that most fans read the books in an all-nighter after waiting for hours on a line outside, that seems like some pretty heavy junk there, dude.

But now, I have The New York Times on my side. True to their spoilsport liberal media nature, they pick the day of the release of the Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix film to tell us that after 8 am on July 21st, most American children will go back to not reading anymore. Federal research studies cites that the dropoff in pleasure reading from the 4th to 8th grade in 2005 was identical to the rate in 1998—the year Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone was published.

What are schools to do? Maybe instead of using Harry Potter as a learning device they should, y'know, actually teach kids to read. After all, they have to compete for attention with the Harry Potter MySpace page, the Harry Potter video games, and the Harry Potter DVDs. Remember school teachers, the world is flat!

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Lyle Preslar of Minor Threat: I don't believe in nothin' Anymore! I'm going to law school!

So if you want an understand of just how old punk has gotten, a Minor Threat member is now a lawyer. Lyle Preslar, who was younger than the class of 2010 while playing guitar for a seminal punk band (boy do I feel old), has just graduated from Rutgers University School of Law—Newark. Apparently, he's won an award for music law writing, and—get this—he's married to a VH1 executive.

In case you were wondering how drastic a change this is from his youth, that's Lyle in the striped shirt, in Camden fucking New Jersey in 1982.

Monday, July 09, 2007

David Lynch's Gucci Ad: Lynch promises perfume will do to noses what 'Blue Velvet' did to ears

Awhile back, a video circulated around movie blog circles of David Lynch's giving his option on product placement in movies. He says, and I quote: "Bullshit, that's how I feel. Total...fucking...bullshit."

Far from me to call the popularizer of PBR a hypocrite, but apparently he'll have to tone down how much bullshit he thinks of Gucci perfume. That's right, the man behind 'Eraserhead' 'Lost Highway' and 'Twin Peaks' will now be helming an ad for the $7 billion fashion company. He's following Baz Lurhman's lead, as he helmed a Chanel no. 5 ad.

So basically, Lynch is cool with designing an entire short film around a product, instead of inserting them into a film where most people aren't conscious of it anyway. I suppose I can buy that, but I certainly won't be buying any Gucci perfume. Though considering this: a few weeks ago at the bar of the IFC center before a screening of Killer of Sheep, I had a conversation with a fellow moviegoer (read: pissing contest over who was more of a film snob). The conversation ended when he went out to smoke Parisienne cigarettes in honor of David Lynch:

I'm sure that guy will be buying Gucci perfume soon enough.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Disney's Latest Supervillain: The Critic

These two evil geniuses were some of the most fearsome villains of my youth. I dedicated my life to be as far away from these two as possible. Apparently I have failed, as my chosen profession, a critic, is the exact same profession as the latest member of the Disney villain fraternity from Pixar's Ratatouille.

Meet Anton Ego, the demonic, nasty food critic who ruins Gusteau's restaurant by giving a negative review (I suppose Hollywood should know this, since negative reviews of their blockbusters soooo often affect their box office draws). Like any self-respecting villain, he has a British accent, and we find ourselves constantly rooting for the French (as Eddie Izzard said, it's all out of a debt of honor to General Lafayette). But of course, he is won over by the power of art, and gives up criticism to be a financier of fine dining. I was willing to look past the subliminal Intelligent Design propaganda (the rats fighting against their natural Darwinian order!), but is Ratatouille supposed to be telling me to give up criticism and to become a producer?

Either way, it was a smart and cute movie, and between The Simpsons, The Critic, The Incredibles, and Ratatouille, Brad Bird is one of my favorite directors in the world right now. Still, this movie made me very uneasy as a critic. Maybe Bird has some subliminal rage against Jay Sherman after The Critic was canceled?

Monday, July 02, 2007

Universal to Apple: Fuck You

On a more serious note, it seems someone is challenging iTunes' stranglehold on the digital music market. Universal Music is not renewing it's contract with Apple, making them the first major recording company to back away from the leading music downloading site in the world. Keep in mind that Universal represents U2, so those U2 iPods released around the time of How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb are sure to become collector's items.

I wouldn't be surprised if Universal tried to start a rival downloader of their own. Touch & Go recently opened up a digital store, and I wouldn't be surprised to see more labels do this in the future. Of course, this would mean that the RIAA had a policy updated to this millenium, but a guy can dream, no?

Ralph Wiggum - Miss Hoover, the popsicle got in my mouth again!

Ralph
Originally uploaded by Tynan's Anger

In case the news hasn't spread to you, 7-11 and 20th Century Fox have come up with an ingenious marketing technique to promote The Simpsons Movie: they are converting 7-11's into Kwik-E-Marts. They now sell Squishees instead of Slurpees, Buzz Cola, and other Simpsons-themed products. Alas, they couldn't get Duff beer, because now I would be able to purchase it legally. Nonetheless, here are the photos from my travails in the 42nd St. Kwik-E-Mart this afternoon.

Everyone's favorite TV dumb kid (retard?) with a doughnut for a halo.

For more Kwik-E-Mart pictures, SEE!

Ralph Wiggum eats a 7/11 popsicle!
Jasper in a 7/11 Freezer!
Comic Book Guy in the Worst Kwik-E-Mart Ever.
Homer getting his hot dog stolen in a 7/11!
Me With a Six Pack of Buzz Cola
A Squishee ad
A Krusty-Os ad

Jasper and Ethan—Separated at Birth?

Jasper and Ethan—Separated at Birth?
Originally uploaded by Tynan's Anger

In case the news hasn't spread to you, 7-11 and 20th Century Fox have come up with an ingenious marketing technique to promote The Simpsons Movie: they are converting 7-11's into Kwik-E-Marts. They now sell Squishees instead of Slurpees, Buzz Cola, and other Simpsons-themed products. Alas, they couldn't get Duff beer, because now I would be able to purchase it legally. Nonetheless, here are the photos from my travails in the 42nd St. Kwik-E-Mart this afternoon.

Here's me standing next to a frozen Jasper. I tried to make our expressions as similar as possible.

Worst Photo Ever: Lauren and the Comic Book Guy

Lauren and the Comic Book Guy—Worst Photo Ever
Originally uploaded by Tynan's Anger

In case the news hasn't spread to you, 7-11 and 20th Century Fox have come up with an ingenious marketing technique to promote The Simpsons Movie: they are converting 7-11's into Kwik-E-Marts. They now sell Squishees instead of Slurpees, Buzz Cola, and other Simpsons-themed products. Alas, they couldn't get Duff beer, because now I would be able to purchase it legally. Nonetheless, here are the photos from my travails in the 42nd St. Kwik-E-Mart this afternoon.

Lauren, a comic geek, seeing the model of plenty of the creepy guys she's interacted with in her life. But Lauren, you can not marry a man made of plastic, you are from different worlds!

...Ohh I have wasted my life.

Homer and Lauren

Homer and Lauren 2
Originally uploaded by Tynan's Anger

In case the news hasn't spread to you, 7-11 and 20th Century Fox have come up with an ingenious marketing technique to promote The Simpsons Movie: they are converting 7-11's into Kwik-E-Marts. They now sell Squishees instead of Slurpees, Buzz Cola, and other Simpsons-themed products. Alas, they couldn't get Duff beer, because now I would be able to purchase it legally. Nonetheless, here are the photos from my travails in the 42nd St. Kwik-E-Mart this afternoon.

This is my friend Lauren, taking a bite out of Homer's hot dog. It's a good thing he's made of plastic, otherwise he might strangle her in hilarious fashion

Buzz Cola

Ethan and Buzz Cola
Originally uploaded by Tynan's Anger

In case the news hasn't spread to you, 7-11 and 20th Century Fox have come up with an ingenious marketing technique to promote The Simpsons Movie: they are converting 7-11's into Kwik-E-Marts. They now sell Squishees instead of Slurpees, Buzz Cola, and other Simpsons-themed products. Alas, they couldn't get Duff beer, because now I would be able to purchase it legally. Nonetheless, here are the photos from my travails in the 42nd St. Kwik-E-Mart this afternoon.

Here's me, looking all to giddy to acquire a 6 pack of Buz Cola. I bought 2. Maybe it will make me young again.

Squishee

Squishee
Originally uploaded by Tynan's Anger

In case the news hasn't spread to you, 7-11 and 20th Century Fox have come up with an ingenious marketing technique to promote The Simpsons Movie: they are converting 7-11's into Kwik-E-Marts. They now sell Squishees instead of Slurpees, Buzz Cola, and other Simpsons-themed products. Alas, they couldn't get Duff beer, because now I would be able to purchase it legally. Nonetheless, here are the photos from my travails in the 42nd St. Kwik-E-Mart this afternoon.

You know, I went the 7/11 in Shelbyville, and they had a Squishee, but they didn't call it a Squishee, they called it a Slurpee.

Krusty-O's

Krusty-O's
Originally uploaded by Tynan's Anger

In case the news hasn't spread to you, 7-11 and 20th Century Fox have come up with an ingenious marketing technique to promote The Simpsons Movie: they are converting 7-11's into Kwik-E-Marts. They now sell Squishees instead of Slurpees, Buzz Cola, and other Simpsons-themed products. Alas, they couldn't get Duff beer, because now I would be able to purchase it legally. Nonetheless, here are the photos from my travails in the 42nd St. Kwik-E-Mart this afternoon.

Here's an ad for Krusty O's, the cereal best remembered for ripping up Bart's stomach and winning him $500.

Who Needs the Kwik-E-Mart? 7/11

Who Needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Originally uploaded by Tynan's Anger

In case the news hasn't spread to you, 7-11 and 20th Century Fox have come up with an ingenious marketing technique to promote The Simpsons Movie: they are converting 7-11's into Kwik-E-Marts. They now sell Squishees instead of Slurpees, Buzz Cola, and other Simpsons-themed products. Alas, they couldn't get Duff beer, because now I would be able to purchase it legally. Nonetheless, here are the photos from my travails in the 42nd St. Kwik-E-Mart this afternoon.

Here is the logo where the trademark 7/11 logo once was, replaced by the Springfield classic.